I am writing to you like a spouse, a daughter, a sister, a mother…
There is no other way to explain my feelings but telling you an open truth: I thought you could have been the one who understood me. I was wrong.
For a lifetime, they told me to look at you as a possible solution for all my problems and necessities. The men are the one who should provide financial and emotional stability to the family and his partner, while the woman follows his leadership and try to make the things work, right?
I was not even realizing to think like this, I always thought we were equal… instead, I was still playing that old game: the princess in danger needs to be saved, protected, and eventually married.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The problem was me, I know it very well. I have put too many pressure on your shoulders; I have expected you to sort everything out for me. The problem now is that I have the bill in my hands.
It says I should pay to you something I cannot really afford, I am sorry; I guess I cannot wash the dishes after the restaurant closes to repay.
You asked me to be something for you. It could not seem a big deal, after all, it could have been easy for some time, and exciting: having someone to look after and doing the things together was actually what I wanted.
Unfortunately, I realized I was fading in the process. That I have spent a lifetime to create was losing meaning and importance, something else was important.
Giving up things to please you was not a big problem; I could have done them later, let’s set something else up. I was just kidding myself.
I have never been polite, simple and shy. I am rampant, complex and shameless.
You are surprised. Why?
Why now and not before, not at the beginning, when I told you clearly: “Look, here I am”.
Do you really care who I am? Are you focusing too much on all the other things to realize how are you building your castles?
However, as I said, it was my fault. I allowed you to believe and do whatever you liked without stopping the circus, delaying the things, hiding my true self from my view.
I have an elastic heart. There is also a song about it.
I still don’t understand if it is a good or a bad thing, maybe both. One thing I know. If you are too much elastic, you are going to lose your shape. If you are too little elastic, you are going to break.
In both cases, no one can receive anything but a lesson. No one can give, sell or promise the freedom to the other one.
Now I have my lesson and I am here thinking everything could have been different if you just could have listened more carefully to those my words.